TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I don’t know what to do
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
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HADDAWAY: shit