Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
All generalizations are stupid.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Stop being racist to kettles.