Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Just grow your own
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now