Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.