I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon