*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT