“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.