Best goalkeeper.. 😅
You Might Also Like
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Breakfast for Stoners:
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I’m good, thanks.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal