If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I love it all
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh