I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
fourth time’s the charm
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*