People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Worth a try
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.