HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁