Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Nice try Hitler
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.