bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.