“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.