My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Oh hi lol
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
A couple who are silly together stay together.
How wrong was this guy?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma