[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
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Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!