My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron