You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.