A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide