POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.