*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*puts cutlery down*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place