I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Wait a second…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.