Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
the worm is coming from inside the brain
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.