Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.