I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
This could be us but you eatin’
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison