Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.