Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out