In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
become ungovernable
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*