[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Sharon I have some bad news
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.