How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
called in thicc to work this morning
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg