The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*3.5 thank you very much.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.