trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
how to have fun when you’re poor
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Perfect
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I laughed at this way too hard.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.