Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam