[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
time for some seasonal decor
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
liiiiiiiiike
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?