I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Happy Febuary everyone!
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories