Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”