Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.