Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?