Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I self medicate, therefore you live.