A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
You Might Also Like
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?