[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.