“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Perfection.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Effort made
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally