me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
That’s it.I’m out.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“i miss shittin on people”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.