Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*