Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
🤔😂😂
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Seems kinda suspicious
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.