Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction