You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.