Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing