If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what